


all i want is to be you

by eyes_glued_shut



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Angst, Bill is a mess, Eating Disorders, Human Bill Cipher, Love, M/M, Obsession, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Relationships, and needs a pat on the head, uh read at your own risk, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 19:49:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13508571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyes_glued_shut/pseuds/eyes_glued_shut
Summary: Bill Cipher is obsessed with Dipper Pines.





	all i want is to be you

**Author's Note:**

> so ive lost my muse for 'the melancholy life of bill cipher' and im trying to get him back. so i vented out my feelings here and i think im getting back into the flow of things  
> theres a lot of self hatred here from bill so uh yeah  
> also, listen to 'You' by Greta Isaac if you want to hear what was my inspo for this,,,

Dipper was gorgeous. He had perfect hair and a cute button nose and soft freckles that would appear when he stayed in the sun for too long. He had gentle, brown eyes and a smile that could brighten anyone's day.

And Bill felt ugly compared to him. 

Ever since gaining (well,  _ being forced into _ is the right phrase) a body, he had been feeling less and less like his ‘normal’ self. His stupid hair was always a pain to comb, his eyes looked dead and he had gross freckles that covered his whole face, not just his cheeks, like Dipper’s. People said his smile was scary and that he should lose some weight to make himself look more respectable. 

He would stand, late at night, in front of the mirror in the bathroom and pick out each and every flaw he had, and compared it to Dipper’s perfection. His eyebrows seemed too bushy and his nose stuck out more that Dipper’s. His eyes were an unnatural, golden colour which he was growing to hate, and his lips were too chapped and dry. He would spend hours pinching the chub on his stomach and thighs and butt and wishing he looked like Dipper. 

Lanky and tall. 

Not chubby and short.

_ How funny, _ he thought.  _ The kid I hated is now my inspiration _ . 

He would go to bed after telling himself that he was ugly, and dream of being just like Dipper. 

 

He wanted Dipper to love him. He wanted Dipper’s attention and his soft hands on his body and his gentle lips on his cheek. Bill craved the touch of Dipper Pines, and so he set off on a mission to become more prettier for Dipper. 

But Dipper liked Wendy. Wendy was tall and had red hair and smelled like the forest and always talked about how chill she was. Bill was short and angry and had a short attention span and didn’t do anything Wendy did. So he tried to change. He hung out with Mabel and Pacifica more to try and make Dipper jealous. He tried wearing cute outfits, but nothing worked. 

He then noticed Wendy and Robbie giggling to themselves as he passed them outside the shack. 

_ “He sucks so much, like, his stomach is bigger than his brain,”  _ Robbie said and Wendy laughed a little. 

_ “Don’t say that,” _ she replied,  _ “he might hear you. You know how big his ears are.” _

Bill knew they were talking about him. He knew it. He covered his ears  and he walked inside, not catching the  _ “I can’t believe your boss looks like that”  _ that Robbie added. Bill went upstairs in his room and hide under his covers for the rest of the day, ignoring the small protests of Dipper and Mabel for him to come outside.

 

He had first heard about starving himself from a conversation Pacifica and Mabel were having. 

“There’s no way Yessica Haircut used to be anorexic!” Mabel had exclaimed in the small cafe they were sitting in. “She always looked so healthy?”

“Anorexic?” Bill had then questioned, giving a few glances to the girls as he took a sip from his hot chocolate. 

“It’s an eating disorder, Bill. You basically starve yourself in hopes to get thinner,” Pacifica explained, shaking her head softly. “I don’t get how people can do it. People are beautiful the way they are.”

“I know! Havin’ a bit of extra fat on you isn’t the end of the world!” Mabel said, and for a moment, Bill believed her. “Look at Bill. He’s got a lil’ bit of chub on him and he’s still the cutest thing in the world.” 

Mabel noticed it too. Bill looked down at his stomach. Their plate of cupcakes had arrived at that time. Bill decided he was only going to eat one, really slowly. The conversation changed to what guy was the cutest (even though Bill knew they both secretly liked each other), and everything seemed to be fine. 

They went shopping afterwards, as Mabel had promised to get Bill new clothes. He had taken liking to wearing Dipper’s shirts that were way too big for him, and Mabel’s pretty skirts. She handed him cute shirts and ripped jeans and cool jackets to try on in the dressing room, and sure, Bill felt good in a lot of the clothes, but something was wrong.  _ Dipper wouldn’t wear any of this, _ he thought, pulling the cropped shirt he was wearing down to cover the part of his belly that the high waisted jeans didn’t cover. Dipper wouldn’t look like this. Dipper wouldn’t wear yellow and light blue jeans with holes in them. Dipper, Dipper,  _ Dipper Dipper Dipper. _ He looked at the pile of clothes to try and find something that Dipper would wear. None of the clothes he had were like Dipper’s. He felt angry. He felt upset. He walked out of the dressing room, and placed his hands on his hips, frowning at Pacifica and Mabel.

“You look so cute, Bill!” Mabel exclaimed, standing up quickly. “Doesn’t he look amazing, Paz?”

Pacifica nodded. “Yellow definitely is your colour. You look adorable.”

“Dipper wouldn’t wear this, though,” Bill said, watching Mabel’s face drop.

“No… He wouldn’t. But who cares? Dipper doesn’t take showers that often, either,” Mabel said. 

“I want clothes like Dipper’s.” Bill crossed his arms over his chest. Pacifica and Mabel exchanged looks. 

 

That wasn’t the first time Bill mentioned wanting something like Dipper’s. He and Stan went shopping for groceries, and Bill demanded that he had the exact same things at Dipper. He even began to copy some of Dipper’s mannerisms. It was weird. It was freaking Stan out. Dipper found it cute, and it just boosted his ego that Bill looked up to him. Stan felt like something was off, but shrugged it off as it being the way Bill showed his friendship.

 

Bill and Dipper had always been close. Bill was described as Dipper’s non-related brother by pretty much everyone in town. Bill hated it. Bill want to be Dipper’s. Not his ‘brother’. He sat in Dipper’s room, just taking everything in and how it smelled like the boy he was getting obsessed over. He laid on his bed, smelling his pillows and imagining Dipper’s arms around him, holding him close and whispering sweet nothings into his ear. He rolled onto his back and sighed happily. In his fantasy he would giggle as Dipper placed soft kisses against his neck. His hands would move down his chest and Bill would feel so warm and happy. He opened his eyes, and sighed when that fantasy wasn’t true. He stood up, walking to the closet to try on Dipper’s clothes. He threw on plaid shirt after plaid shirt, and even found the iconic pine tree hat that he used to wear. He put in on his head and smiled widely as he looked into the mirror. God, he wish he was Dipper. He hummed to himself as he walked around Dipper’s room slowly, looking at the polaroid photos stuck on his wall. Most were of his family and Bill, but there were a few of the forest, and the creatures that lived there. Bill picked up a photo that Dipper looked extra cute in and smiled. His fingertip gently traced the outline of Dipper’s soft, warm smile and he glared at Wendy, who was next to him in the photo.

He ripped the photo in half, and tossed Wendy’s half in the trash. That was better.  _ His _ Dipper looked so much better alone. He hated Wendy. Hated her stupid pretty hair and her pretty green eyes and her gorgeous smile and how she talked so casually to Dipper about things. Bill looked at the picture to calm himself down and smelled Dipper’s shirt. His thoughts went hazy and he laughed. God, he wanted Dipper. He craved Dipper.

 

So when Dipper started to distance himself away from Bill, he was angry. He didn’t understand what he was doing wrong! Dipper spent way more time with Wendy, and Bill would sit and watch them laugh and share inside jokes and he felt so fucking angry.

Dipper was his, not Wendy’s. 

He went to Mabel for advice, who nervously told him that  _ “you should probably give Dipper some space. Ever since you told him you would murder Wendy if she got in the way he’s been kinda creeped out.”  _ Bill had then told Mabel he will kill Wendy.

 

Stan was the first to notice something major was going on. The sparkle in Bill’s eye seemed to have been lost, and part of him was worried. Sure, he had no reason to be worried as the ex-demon had done plenty of things to harm Stan’s family in the past, but Bill was basically family now. He had noticed he and Dipper weren’t getting on that well, and Bill seemed to be acting out to get Dipper’s attention back.

Like not eating his food.

Or taking care of himself.

Or threatening to stab himself with forks.

The list went on, and the drawers in the kitchen were now locked up.

That night, Stan asked if everything was okay. Bill gave him the oddest look before nodding and looking back at the TV. He kept mixing his ice cream soup in his bowl, and Stan noticed he hadn’t eaten any of it. 

“Are you sure?” He asked again, not wanting to pressure Bill into talking, but still feeling like something was off. “You haven’t touched your ice cream.”

“I have. I’ve eaten some of it… I’m… waiting for it all to melt,” Bill said, looking down at the bowl of gloop.

“You haven’t been eating much of dinner or breakfast lately. I’m just worried, is all,” Stan said, and left it as that. 

Bill had a bag up in his room that he would chuck all of his lunch in it, so he would return downstairs with an empty plate and people thought he ate. 

 

Ford found the bag after having a rather long conversation in Bill’s room. He thought he could smell something gross, and noticed Bill got uneasy when he searched the room. When he found the bag under the bed, he held up up away from him and raised an eyebrow.

“What’s this about, Bill?” Ford asked. Bill shrugged, and looked away. Ford tied up the bag and sighed softly. “Do you have anything else hidden away like that?”

Bill was quiet for a few moments, before pointing to his drawer of clothes. Ford walked over and opened the top drawer, and last weeks dessert was there, in a little bag. Bill had taken three slices of the cake Mabel made, and ran upstairs with them. Ford took the bag out of the drawer and looked back at Bill.

“Anything else?” 

Bill lifted his pillow up. A slightly bloody fork laid there. Ford sighed, picking that up too. He watched as Bill curled himself up into a ball, and he felt sorry for him. Ford left to throw everything in the trash, before walking back upstairs and into Bill's room. He closed the door and sat on Bill's bed.

“What’s going on, Bill? You’ve been acting… strange,” Ford said softly, gently placing a hand on his shoulder.

Bill let out a sob, and closed his eyes. “I j-just want Dipper to love me,” he said through tears, sitting up and hugging Ford tightly. His body shook as he sobbed, mumbling how he wanted Dipper all to himself.

“Dipper already loves you, you know that,” Ford said, awkwardly rubbing Bill’s back to try and calm him down.

“A-As a fucking brother! You can’t fuck your brother, c-can you?!” Bill cried out, gripping Ford’s shirt tightly as he stained it with his tears. “He loves  _ Wendy _ . Be-Beautiful  _ Wendy _ who i-is way prettier than me.”

“Bill, you don’t need to get angry… If Dipper likes Wendy, you should be a good friend and support him,” Ford explained in a soft voice. “If you liked someone else, Dipper would help you out in any way he could, right?”

“But… But Dipper’s mine! He’s mi-”

“No, Bill. He isn’t. No one is ‘yours’. You can’t own people, and Dipper’s getting scared because you keep telling him that,” Ford sighed. “You need to understand that, Bill.”

“I love him… I love him! I love him, Sixer! I need him in my life!” Bill exclaimed, looking up at Ford with tear stained cheeks. “I would do anything to make him love me…”

“Try not being so obsessed with him. Apologize to him, too.” Ford said. Bill promised he would. 

 

He didn’t. He didn’t talk to Dipper at all.

 

Bill liked to borrow Mabel’s magazines to look at the pretty girls with the perfect skin and silky smooth hair and wonder why he didn’t have that. He looked at the handsome men with perfect jawlines and muscles and poked at his own arms and face and wondered why he didn’t look like that. He would rip out pages of their perfect bodies to keep for later. 

Bill wanted to be just like them. 

Dipper would love him if he looked like that. If he looked perfect.

 

He asked Ford how much it would cost to completely change the way he looked. Ford said it would cost a lot, and asked why he wanted to know. Bill just shrugged and walked off, wishing he had enough money to change the way he looked. Dipper would really love him if he didn’t look so ugly.

He was so fucking ugly.

That night, he went to bed after slicing his wrists up and crying because Dipper would never, ever love him. 

 

Stan got seriously worried when he walked in on Bill doing something he shouldn’t be. Bill sat in the bathroom, holding a razor to his wrist and going crazy on drawing blood. Stan immediately grabbed Bill’s had that held the razor away from his wrist, and yelled at him for being fucking stupid. Bill cried, and said that Dipper wouldn’t care about him if he was dead. Stan pulled him into a hug and said he would care.

 

Dipper hated how much Bill loved him, adored him. He had to get locks on his door to stop Bill from coming into his room at night. He even started climbing out of the window and hiding in the forest all day, just to avoid Bill. It was scaring him. He spoke to Stan about going home a month early, because he couldn’t handle Bill’s obsession with him. Stan told him that as much as he wanted Dipper to feel safe, their parents were away on business trips for the next few weeks. Dipper was stuck here. 

So he did the one thing he could. 

Ignored Bill. 

 

No one paid attention when Bill stole alcohol from the local store. No one really cared when he threatened to overdose and kill himself. Bill’s behaviour was becoming normal to everyone around him, and it was scaring everyone. They tried ignoring him, hoping that if they do that then Bill would stop. Ignoring him made him worse. A trip to the emergency room was made as Bill had accidentally thrown himself out of a tree and almost broke his arm. Dipper felt like this was his fault, and had even thought about dating Bill just to stop him from doing stupid things. Ford told him that wouldn’t help the issue at all. Dipper felt so guilty.

 

Bill was on constant watch at home. Ford and Stan made sure he was eating three meals a day, and sometimes went to drastic measures to make sure that was happening. Mabel tried to help control his obsession of Dipper by making him do other things to distract him.

She found knitting him sweaters was a good enough distraction. 

“Mabel, I’m… I’m a good person, right?” Bill asked one night, sitting on the couch and watching Mabel knit him a sweater. She dropped her knitting needles and looked at him. 

“You… A good person? You can be a good person, Bill… You haven’t been recently, though,” she said quietly, watching Bill nervously pull at his sleeves. 

“Why not?” He asked. Mabel noticed there were tears in his eyes. 

“It’s… your obsession with Dipper. You haven’t been a good person because he is scared of you,” she explained. “He wanted to leave to go back home yesterday, that’s how much you’re creeping him out.”

“O-Oh…” 

“It’s not healthy to be this obsessed, Bill.” Mabel started knitting again. 

“But I love him, Mabel. I love him so much!” Bill dug his blunt nails into his hand. “I love him. I love Dipper! I love him so much I want to  _ be him!! _ ”

“See? That’s what I’m talkin’ about. You can love Dipper, but only a little bit, okay?” She moved his hand away and smiled softly. “You need to tone it down.”

“But I love him… He… He’s the only thought I have in my head! I’d do  _ anything _ for him, Mabel,” Bill said. A tear rolled down his cheek. “He’s perfect. He’s perfect for me!!” 

“Bill, calm down. You need to take a step back and listen to yourself!” Mabel exclaimed, glaring at him softly. “I don’t want to be rude but you are  _ pushing me _ , Bill.” 

Bill stayed quiet. Mabel went back to her knitting. Bill went back to his obsessive thoughts of idolizing Dipper Pines.  _ Perfect Dipper Pines~ _

 

Bill wanted Dipper badly. He wanted Dipper to touch him in all the right places and make him arch his back and moan and oh god Bill wanted Dipper so much. He would spend the nights where he wasn’t mutilating his body with scars and bruises, touching himself to the thought of Dipper. The thought of Dipper making him feel warm and good and -- shit, he made a mess of the red plaid shirt he stole from Dipper’s closet. He rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, hugging the shirt close to him, pretending it was Dipper. Dipper would treat him right, he  _ knew he would. _ He will have Dipper Pines one day. 

  
  


When Dipper and Mabel left to go back home to California (a week earlier than they normally did), Bill was devastated. He constantly bombarded Dipper’s phone with messages, asking him how his day was and who he was with. Dipper blocked Bill’s number after three days. 

That was Bill’s breaking point. 

He came downstairs that morning, arms bloody, sobbing loudly. Stan looked up from his newspaper as Ford was already grabbing their first aid kit. Bill walked into the kitchen, making his way to the drawer with the cleaning products in. Ford placed the first aid kit down and grabbed ahold of him. Bill fought against Ford’s grip, sobbing and screaming that  _ he might as well fucking die than pretend that Dipper loved him. _

Stan wanted to slap Bill. 

Ford told him that would make things worse.

It took them an hour to calm Bill down and fix up his arms. Ford told Bill he was to sleep in his room from now on, so he could keep an eye on him. Bill hated that idea, but went along with it anyway. 

 

Ford would replace the bandages on Bill’s body, and when he noticed that  _ DIPPER _ was sliced into his thigh (and it was pretty fresh) he sighed. He looked at Bill, who wouldn’t make eye contact with him. 

It was then Ford realized that Bill  _ sometimes _ listened to him. 

“Hey, Bill, look at me. I’m not mad, I promise,” Ford said softly, gently cleaning the wound. Bill hissed in pain and looked at Ford. “You have to stop this, okay?” 

Bill shook his head. 

“Why do you love Dipper so much anyway?” Ford asked, gently bandaging up his cut. “Tell me.” 

“I love his hair. A-And… and his face. His eyes crinkle up when he smiles his warm smile. He smells nice, too. And his hands are really soft, so are his lips!” Bill said, smiling widely. “And he is skinny and perfect and got these cute freckles on his cheeks, too!”

“Anything about his personality…?” Ford asked, looking at Bill. 

“I… he’s nice…” He replied. Ford waited to see if Bill would add anything else. When he didn’t, Ford frowned. 

“You only like his physical appearance, huh? I would’ve thought you liked all of him, personality as well,” Ford spoke, checking the scars on his wrists. 

Bill stayed quiet. 

“Any reason why you like his… face?” Ford asked. 

Bill looked away. “Because… Because he’s pretty. I want to be like him.” 

“That’s why you like him?”

Bill nodded. 

Ford gently messed Bill’s hair up, telling him he was done. That made more sense. 

  
  


Bill kept thinking about his conversation about Dipper with Ford, and was worried. He couldn’t remember any of Dipper’s personality. Was Dipper fading away in his mind? 

No no. 

No! 

Dipper couldn’t fade away from him!! He wanted Dipper to stay. 

He wanted his happiness to stay forever.

 

Bill walked up the stairs late one night. He knew Dipper’s room was locked. He picked the lock and smiled when the door opened. Dipper’s scent filled his nose. 

He closed the door and locked it behind him.Sitting on Dipper’s bed, he smiled. 

This was where he belonged. 

He could picture where everything was from before. He laid on the bed, and smiled.

 

Everything was going to be okay. 

His Dipper will find about about what he did and join him. 

_ He couldn’t wait for Mason Pines to join him. _


End file.
